Is BITTER medicine more effective or just yucky?

Asian Moms never hold back with doling out helpful advice or criticism depending up on if you are the giver or the receiver. I can never avoid hearing a helpful suggestion in each and every conversation with my mother. If she doesn’t dole it out, she doesn’t feel like she’s doing a good job as a mother or that the conversation is worth the time and cost of the call. 

I bring up the issue of advice, because I recently had lunch with an older woman, who I often look to as my mentor. Outside of having three husbands, she’s everything I want to be when I’m her age. She’s still working, loves her business and is very successful. She enjoys a fabulous relationship with her kids who are old enough to be having little kids of their own and part of the reason for her amazing relationship is that she never gives them unsolicited advice. In her words, “unsolicited advice is unwanted advice”

I love my Mom,. I’m a great daughter, but I don’t call my Mom every day. I call my Mom a couple of times a week. It can be painful to call my Mom because she always gives me unsolicited advice.

In her view, if she doesn’t tell me unwelcome facts about myself no one else will and how then can I change for the better? The problem is there’s no preamble, no softening of the neck before you take a bite, NADA.  It’s,  “Hi Guai Guai, you know, your sister and I were talking the other the other day, and we thought the reason you (something you need to work on) is (some way to fix it) and also maybe you shouldn’t drink so much coffee....

And how do I respond?  I accept her suggestions and ask her how this necessary advice could have been more palatably delivered.  She tells me there is no way. Chinese believe “Sincere necessary advice rubs your ears the wrong way just like rubbing a pets’ fur in the wrong direction, and bitter medicinal roots are more effective in curing and driving out illness.” It takes bitterness to drive out bitter poisons and illness. And I believe her. And I live by the same creed.

So I guess I’ll go out and pull some bitter dandelion greens, making sure to get the taproot,  and make some tea. …

Asian Mom Grade Curve

Last week, my son got a 75 in his honors algebra class. I was upset. He got upset and there was some yelling back and forth and my saying, as I always say that if he was SLAVING over his homework and studying like CRAZY then I would accept an 80. He actually got an 80 and was downgraded by 5 points because he asked for some white out. I’m not going to argue with his math teacher about five points or if this is fair – you decide. But he doesn’t work like a dog on his homework and OK he got all A’s on every other test, this is a C. For Asian Moms, C is CRAP.* I’m at a loss for words.

*Asian Grade curve

A- Adequate

B-Bad

C-Crap

D-Death

F- unfathomable, does not compute.

Korean Goose Daddys, Penguins and Eagles

Well I didn’t find specific stories and I haven't encountered any Korean Goose families, but I learned a bit more about the practice. There are apparently almost 40,000 of these families living abroad. The Dad’s stay home and earn money to send abroad to their families, who cannot work due to visa restrictions. They are called “Goose Daddies” because geese are a symbol of filial piety in Korean culture. “Goose Daddy’s” can afford to fly to their families a couple of times per year. Fathers who can’t afford to fly back are called “Penguins” while the wealthiest who can visit numerous times per year are called “Eagles.” Still many of the Dads suffer from depression and turn to alcohol. The wives suffer as well and because their English isn’t great, they also feel lonely and suffer from the isolation. Thankfully the Korean communities in Los Angeles for one are huge.

When I told my Asian Mom about this behavior she had very little sympathy for separated families. To her, this was such a common story since it’s just a reversal of the age old economic migration wherein Chinese/Asian Dads would migrate to the US to earn money and send home. She said separations of 20 years were common, and she just took this as a normal sacrifice and no big deal. Given these stories, those of us living through the current economic morass have nothing to complain about and should be thankful we all at least live together. I always remember Warren Buffett's comment that one of his great advantages and reasons for success is the simple fact that he was born in the United States.

Korean educational curriculums are based on rote memorization and endless studying while in the more successful systems, we strive for a more creative and problem solving approach in education. I always found Korean society very patriarchal and my brilliant strong willed daughter would be smothered in Korea. If it were my family, and knowing what I do about the two different educational systems, I would make the same sacrifices--Maybe this is a sign of a true Asian Mom.

About a typical Asian Mom and Korean "goose daddys"

So here is my first posting to my Asian Mommy Blog.

A few things about me:

I am an Asian Mom with two kids, a boy 13 and a girl 10. I’m interested in exploring the issues we all face in raising children in two cultures, how that experience affected me, and how in turn, I am influencing my children –for better or for worse. Because in the space between the Western and Asian cultures we all know there is a lot of value but sometimes danger in the form of–—too much pressure.

I work in international television, development and reality television production so occasionally I may segue into discussions about media from the Asian Mom perspective..

Outside of working in entertainment, I fit most of the other Asian Mom stereotypes, I went to an Ivy League College; I started out pre-med; I am a great multi-tasker; I volunteer as the Principal of a weekend Chinese language school; and I sometimes schedule my children within an inch of their lives. I also smother them with love and kisses to the point where they run away screaming.

When I was working in international television distribution I heard many anecdotal stories of Korean parents who send their kids abroad, either to the US or to Australia, to escape the brutal pressures of the education system in South Korea. In some cases, the kids are sent to boarding school or to live with a relative living in another country like the US or Australia. Sometimes, the father sends the mom away with all the kids. These dads are called “goose dads” and suffer from depression and loneliness. I can’t imagine what life is like for them. Nonetheless, the Korean education system is brutal and kids spend most of their waking hours cramming for university entrance exams because the right school is the ticket to the right job, income, wife, family and on and on. Until that system changes, if I were in that situation I might even consider moving away to get out from under such stifling pressure.

I wondered what it was like to spend extended periods of time away from your parents. What is the appropriate age and big questions is it worth it? I wanted to find out more and researched some stories....